Delete after Read

Delete After Read


Preston Kullingher


imageAMANDA <> 06/08/12

for you


Delete after read.

I know it’s been a while since we broke up. And since that time and how everything happened I did not have the opportunity to explain my reasons, so I ask you to please read this email until the end. I can’t leave spent more time doing nothing and you once told me that in live we have to do something, act, been more than spectators. And, that’s why I’m acting now, even though it might be too late. I’m acting simply because I love you, even if you do not believe me and you have your reasons for it.

I did not act the best way, I admit. Forgive me for this and for everything that has happened in your life after that. The youth carries in the pack a lot of stupidity, inexperience and arrogance. I was selfish, today I can see and admit it. I wanted to all the world on my backpack, and at the same time did not know exactly what I wanted. I wanted to be with you, but the perspective of a predictable, unchanging life afflict me. The “To have something” and not have the rest scared me a lot. How naive, nobody has everything in life. That’s why we have to take decisions, make hard choices.

I always loved you, but at that moment I decided to deny it to myself and choose the dream, to know and to open the world. To live more.
After that fateful day we broke, I went home and cried all night. On morning after I wiped away my tears, took a deep breath, gathered my things and get out.
I went to Rio and spent some time in the house of friends of friends. I met the Christ, the Sugar Loaf, I walked in the Lagoon, watched a full Maracanã for Flamengo. I went to several parties, in Lapa, in Rocinha. I confess that I was with other guys. Some beautiful, others gorgeous. I kissed girls too. Started as a joke, drunk, and then be normal. But I’ve always had a crush on men.

I left Rio and decided to get to know Europe. And I knew her very well. I started in Portugal, Lisbon. I remember it was your dream to know Portugal. I drank port wine in the city of Porto, I ate Belém’s pasta in Belém. I entered Spain and crossed the whole region of Andalusia, a magical region; Barcelona and its incredible architecture, Madrid; I went in Italy, I’ve been on clouds  seeing the fashion in Milan and the people walking in the streets always very well dressed, the wonderful weather. I watched the own Pope at San Peter’s square in Rome, even not be Catholic. I saw the lights of Paris and the beautiful Eiffel Tower and the Champs Élysées.

I’ve been with other people all these times, never enjoyed being alone. Saying that Happiness only real when shared. And it is truth. But in all those moments, places, cities, different countries, I’ve never been able to forget you. An image and a taste did not out of my mind. That hour when sleep does not come and that we lie down, simply wandering in the outer space of the mind, in those hours I would see myself remembering that kiss given by us on that bridge, remember? I laughed and wondered why I was thinking about it, it was so old, so long ago, and had no sense. But it was an image that hammered my mind, sometimes hiding in the fog of thought but did not fade. It was like a nail in the wood, a thorn in the flesh, it bothered, it was always there.

It’s been four years since that kiss and a lot has changed. I changed, you sure have changed too. Must be married already, with son …. Maybe this is not even your email anymore, maybe I’m just wasting time typing all this up, but I needed to tell you that, even if it means nothing more:

You were the only person I really loved in life and I hope one day you can forgive me for what I did.

It took me a long time to accept this and in that period I thought I loved other people, but I discovered that love does not pass, does not age, does not die, for it is not passion that, like fire with time, dissipates. Love is divine.
I do not need to be with you or have you in my life again (though that would be wonderful!) To have this certainty.
The mere fact that you know that I’ve always loved you is enough for me. The simple certainty that you read this letter in e-mail form already comforts my spirit. I wish from all of my heart that you are happy, with whoever you are and that one day you can forgive me for all the bad and all the pain that I have caused you. The selfishness of eighteen did not make me look at the impact my actions would have on others’ lives, but it is never too late to repent and ask for forgiveness.



imageDavid Souza <> 08/08/12

para amanda_flowers


Hello Amanda, Your words are beautiful, simple, courageous, definitive.
Unfortunately time is a cruel enemy with all of us humans.
David will not be able to read this letter, he died a while ago.

He was very bad at the time with the end of the courtship, could not stand the situation well …
He started to drink every day, I think as a way of escape, forget everything, erase existence. Until one day he left and did not come back.
They found the car on the cliff, we do not know for sure what happened, if it was an accident, if there was another car involved, or if he …

I would very much like you to know that neither I nor anyone in my family blames you for what happened, you were young, you are still very young, unfortunately he did not endure all those emotions coming all at once.

In his absence I accept your apologies and for me feel forgiven of everything you have done.

Life goes on, we learn from our mistakes and correctness, with our attitudes. Everything is learning.

Every moment we let pass, sometimes out of shame, out of fear, because we think it means nothing else, we miss the opportunity to reconcile with ourselves and with whom we love, which is what really matters. From start all over again, write a new chapter in the book of our lives. And sometimes it may be too late.

A big hug



Desperate tears fell endlessly across the screen.


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