The Fatman and the Unbalance

The Fatman and the Unbalance


Preston Kullingher


I was once in a diner eating a good hamburger, those that clog up their veins of fat stuffed with everything that is not good and goes a long way from being healthy, when a pair of ugly, nerdy-looking university geeks started a conversation that seemed more like a PhD thesis.

The question of fat as you know it associated with people’s eating habits and … [blah, blah]

I understand and I also think … [more blah, blah]

– Perfectly. If people did physical activities …

And I eating and listening to all that bullshit. At one point I even gave them the reason because their reasoning was perfectly logical, rational. But the taste of that juicy burger dripping oil from bacon mixed with cheddar cheese and that BBQ-flavored meat made me irrationally believe that none of it would be worth it. If one day we will all die, that is of something: heart, lung, cirrhosis, overdose. I was already choosing my way: I drank a lot and ate just delicious fatty foods.

The concentrations of trans fats present in this hamburger are …

And sodium then, we dont even talk.

At a certain moment when I could not stop listening again one of them said:

The big problem is the imbalance. The fat man is an unbalanced person.

I heard a knock at the table and a big guy passed me almost taking me along in his trajectory of so great it was. He stopped in front of tables of the two.

– Who’s the unbalanced one here, huh?

The two were out of action. Apparently their conversation was being heard by more people in the diner.

– I, I, I was n-ot talking about you and …

Oh Come on? I’m fat, huh? So you were referring to me, yes.

Lo-ok, my friend, I d-ont want confusion, and …

Oh, you like being skinny, are not you? And now you runs away from a fat unbalanced as you yourself said.

The imbalance I referred to was about eating more than exercising. Eating too much. Eat a lot, you know? There was no balance between eating and exercising.

Oh, so you think that I don’t exercise? That I’ve only eaten my whole fucking life like a fucking glutton?

– I was not talking about you, I, I was in a general s-ense.

Look here man I’m not a damn of an unbalanced gluttonous understood.

At that moment the fat man slapped the table spreading trays of food with sandwich and sodas everything over the other nerd who was silent, motionless, petrified with fear. The fat man continued.

– I’m not an unbalanced. I’m not an unbalanced

He looked like a huge baby. He looked like a dumb. From the face and clothes he wore, it was even said that he might have been a completely fucking crazy, or that he had only a mental retardation, this one in which the guy is twenty with a mind of six. His face was very red, like a tomato, it looked like it was going to explode. At that moment the fatman slapped the nerd’s face with those elephant hands that his glasses flew away. His face flew away, almost crashing to the ground. The other nerd, who had stood still until then, suddenly jumped off the bench and won the street with long strides. The store clerks, two skinny girls, and a young gay with bottle-bottomed glasses, soon tried to hide behind the counter. The poor nerd was alone. Man’s fight against nature, the greatest against the smallest, the squirrel against the bear.

That’s when I got bored with all that situation. Cum! A man can no longer eat his burger in peace. So what the fucking nerd said something about the fat guy? We’re in America damn, anyone says whatever want anybody. Unless this anybody has a gun. I got up and went towards them.

Hey, piggy, leave the guy alone. He already had what he deserved.

Do not mess with it, you asshole. This is none of your business.

Look here baby elephant you will not hit him and no one else understood. You finished your show. Go back there to your “Bigburger”, with your “Bigpotato, with your “Bigsoda, because all yours is big even.

I told to tease. I always liked a good fight, I never ran away from one, but fight with that guy, Oh God! That guy needed a bariatric surgery as soon as possible.

– You bastard, now you’re going to die!

As he took two steps, I pushed him hard. His body leaned back, his fat arms tried to hold on to something or else he thought he was a bird, it was flapping wings, his feet were together so that it was inevitable to fall. All that lump touching the floor, the soft belly moved a little, the little head could not be seen from the angle I was in. It should have been an incredible video seen from SuperCamera.
The nerd rose from the floor massaging his right cheek, but in fact he had to massage the entire right side of the face where the five fingers of the fat man could be seen perfectly.

– Thanks, buddy.

– Fuck off. I did not do it for you. Get the hell out of here before I bust your face.

He ran and jumped over the fat man on the floor trying to get up at all costs but due to the weight could not. He moved his arms and legs in vain. He did not have the strength to lean his arms on the floor and sit down. It looked like a giant Galapagos turtle upside down. That sad. I knelt down next to him.

– That’s pathetic, chubby! You even can not get up alone.

– I’m going to kill you man, I swear to God.

– Bullshit. Look at you, it looks like a beached whale. You make me angry, man, with all that fat underneath the skin, all that stink of fat accumulated years. You’re the worst in this country. Because of people like you that food prices go up, the price of beer rises, cars get more spacious and more expensive, there is hunger in the world, wars, all because of gluttons like you.

– When I get up from here I’m going to break  you in the middle, asshole.

– Hey, you know the ugly nerd was right. You obese people have no balance at all. Ha, Ha, Ha.

I left there the way I entered, no better or worse. It did not make me happier or sadder or more confident. Perhaps more dubious with certain dietary, physical issues. I was overweight, my belly felt beneath my loose blouse. Maybe it was time to practice more exercises like snooker, bowling, poker. Maybe I will lower the intake of carbohydrates and fats, but beer will never. This one will never slow down or stop.


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